“I tried that. It didn’t work.”
It is an important sentence. Too often, it is met with pressure to try harder or repeat the same strategy with more enthusiasm. A more useful response is curiosity: what exactly did the skill need to do, and what got in the way?
A coping skill may be unhelpful because:
• It was used too late, after activation had already peaked
• It asked for stillness when the body needed movement
• It focused on calming when the person needed safety, connection, food, sleep, or practical action
• The environment made the strategy unrealistic
• The instructions were too complicated to recall under stress
• The skill reduced discomfort but did not address the problem
• It simply was not a good fit
Instead of sorting skills into “works” and “doesn’t work,” try asking:
1. What was happening in the body before the skill?
2. What changed—even slightly—afterward?
3. Was the goal to calm, orient, release energy, feel connected, solve a problem, or survive the moment safely?
4. Would the skill work better earlier, longer, with support, or paired with something else?
For high activation, movement, temperature shifts, rhythmic activity, or simple orienting may be more accessible than a long reflective exercise. For shutdown or disconnection, gentle sensory input, music, light, movement, or contact with a trusted person may be more useful than asking for deeper relaxation.
No single list fits every nervous system or every situation. Coping strategies are tools to test, adapt, and combine—not a moral exam.